I'm still standing!

 Not that many people follow this but maybe one day I will become blogger famous. lol!

So, so, SO much has changed since last year. I changed jobs which was a hard decision to do. But, it was something I knew I had to do. I was scared and I still am scared but quite honestly this new journey is and has been pretty amazing. I have a lot to learn and my brain is like mush most days but I will get there. 

Moving on from that, I made the decision to stop Mounjaro back in December. I met with a weight loss surgeon and recently had the gastric sleeve done 2 weeks ago. It has been a bit rocky, with some pains in my chest sometimes as I eat and just breaking that mindset of binge brain. I am learning to take it slow and just enjoy food without rushing and figuring out when I am full. It was easy on Mounjaro because it shut off those cravings and I knew when I was full. But one thing I do not have is patience, which I should say one thing that I struggle with is patience. I have been slowly working on that. I am also working on becoming kinder to myself and my body. I have been through so much trauma and pain and now it's time to just relax and take in this new body. 

and onto the best part, I found my person. I have waited and prayed for this man for what I feel like most of my life. He literally came out of nowhere. I don't honestly care what people think or any of that outside noise. That is one thing I will commend myself for. I don't have the time for that. He is very attentive and patient and understanding throughout this whole new weight loss surgery journey. Something I never would've ever thought would happen. As you know, I was content with being alone and just doing my thing and I was like let's try to get back to dating and honestly I was just ready to give up. I gave him a shot, then I was talking to someone at the same time and put him on hold and just like that, that didn't work out which funny how life happens. Then he just came back into my life and that is that. 

So that is my little update on things. I must get back to my pureed chicken avocado salad.

The end

 It has been awhile. I guess I will get right to it. My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. It came out of nowhere. I was actually in a meeting with a subcommittee and the Director when he texted me. Yup, he did it over text. I was trying my hardest to not cry. I was pretending something was in my eye and I kept looking up at the ceiling as the Director was speaking. Then I shot a coworker and my boss a text that as soon as this thing is over I was leaving and that's what I did. I drove right to his house to grab my keys. I knew that there was nothing more to do or say. As I sat on his couch he just stared at me blankly with no feelings at all. I sat there and just cried. His reason was to be honest just an excuse. He told me he didn't think I could ever trust him. If I didn't trust someone I wouldn't be in the relationship with them. I wouldn't waste my time to be honest. But again that didn't matter. He brought up the time I went through his phone when we first started dating. Which I only did because I wanted to know what his ex wife was saying about me, seeing as she already called me a sugar mama or some ignorant comment. Then there was another time that I went through his stuff, now this was literally when we started dating 2 years ago. Since then I let it go. 

The one thing that keeps me wondering is that he started recently hanging around an old coworker whom he couldn't stand, and spent some 1:1 time with his wife and their kid who is the same age as his daughter. I always thought it was weird that the husband never seemed to be there. He didn't like me questioning that. Which I am not stupid. I know how this all plays out. Defending someone else. But now I see everything that I looked over in our relationship because that is how I operate. I always see the good in people. That was something I learned being with my late fiance. But back to my ex. He always made it like it was me that had to change. When I had my surgery, he was supposed to wake up and give me my medicine. That was all I asked of him. He didn't. He didn't try to understand Endo. Every other monday I had therapy right at 5pm. He would 'forget' and call me. Which I would just pass it off. Talking with my therapist recently, she said that shows that he didn't respect you and your time. Which is true. But he will never see that. Another thing that I tolerated was liking and hearting girls posts. Besides him following insta (hoes) or tiktok (hoes), which is disrespectful to me and our relationship. Something I should've walked away from. It was no wonder why I felt so insecure with myself. I literally felt worthless because I had to compete with these people. I ask myself now should I have left? I am not honestly sure. The reason I stayed was because I believed in the relationship and the person I was with. I knew that I wanted to build that life and that no one is perfect. 

Now that it is over and I am healing nothing has changed on my part as far as feelings go. I am still doing what I did while being in a relationship and still building my empire and working on myself. I met with my surgeon and we are putting stuff in the books at the end of the year. Something I would've done with or without him to be honest. I am proud of myself for having no contact because that is not healthy. If they wanted to they would. If he wanted to be with me he would've done whatever. He has to realize that the issues he was putting on me were issues he himself has to figure out. He won't ever find someone like me. As much as I felt like a piece of trash being thrown away, I now know how valued I am as a person. If I was that bad of a person then why did he trust me when helping him find a better job? Or loving his daughter as much as my niece and nephew? exactly.

So now I move forward alone. It can get lonely for sure but I have done this alone so many times before.

Alive

Seventeen years ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I was 21 years old at the time. It took me 7 years to get the actual answer to many of my "ailments". That is 7 years too long to be honest. My symptoms first started when I was about 11/12. I know I started my period young. It wasn't so much the heavy periods that did me in, it was never being able to have a tampon fit comfortably, it was the GI symptoms that literally became an everyday occurrence. 

Doctor wise at that age, it was pediatrician based where I was placed on birth control pills and some dissolving pill to take when I experienced the GI symptoms and severe cramping. I think it was the whole being dismissed that has followed me into my adulthood to be honest. To think about how many doctors I had to see and how many I trusted that overwhelms me to be honest. I think I was on every brand of birth control pill throughout my life until my partial hysterectomy. 

The first surgery is sort of a blur, the second as well. I just know the pain came back worse each time post op. That was due to ablation. Something to which back in my early twenties was the proper standard of care. 

My first excision surgery was around the age of 25 where it took almost seven hours to excise and unstick my parts due to everything adhering to my body thanks to the mess of ablation. Following suit to that surgery, I had my partial hysterectomy at 30. A choice that wasn't easy however I knew it had to be made due to adenomyosis. The pain returned and 2/3 years later, another surgery. This time my ureter was bent and embedded in the disease. I had a stent placed for a few weeks. Something I won't ever forget. That pain was horrible. Then 2/3 years again, my left ovary was stuck to my bowel. Every time the surgeon would try and stitch it out of the way my body would go into bradycardia. (good times). Now here I am at 37, heading back to my excision specialist yet again for answers. As much as I don't want to have another surgery, my quality of life, my mental health, my entire life is just unbearable. The GI symptoms have never gone away. I have had endoscopies and colonoscopies, MRIs, Ultrasounds, Pelvic Therapy, Regular Physical Therapy. I did everything as I was supposed to but yet here we are. Trust me I am grateful to be alive and to be able to push through the pain daily but there comes a point where I want my life back. 

I may never be where I want to be and I am okay with that. I have lived with this disease long enough so I know how to block it out but when is enough enough??

Enough

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, something as my fellow readers know that it is something I have struggled with my entire life. Someone commented on my social media post the other day saying you've been through a lot. It really made me think about it and yeah I sure have been through a lot. Rewinding to my teenage years, well actually, when I was 11/12 when I started my period and it just all went downhill from there medically. I can say that pain changes you. People also don't know what to say or do around you and to be honest, some avoid you. It feels like you are battling alone most of the time and you hate to even complain about being in pain because you don't want people feeling 'sorry' or think that you are looking for attention. One day I will put it all out there but to be honest I have blocked so many early memories of this disease because it has been isolating and traumatizing all at the same time. 

Now I just do my best to protect myself from everything and just continue to try and live as best as I can. I often feel guilty when I get home and the only thing I can do is laundry. I also lately feel useless and alone in all of this. I mean the only one that fully understands being in pain daily is my mom. She has been my shelter from all of this. You know the saying about being strong for too long? Well I feel as though I have been strong for 37, almost 38 years and I am tired. I think this is why I try and put timelines on many things because I missed out on so so many things being in and out of hospitals. Like when will it be my time to be married and settle in to just having someone there with me to keep me company and just love all of me. I am lucky in love do trust me on that. I never thought I would find love again after Jeremy but I just know how short life is and how one minute you can say goodnight to someone and the next day they are gone. 

Brain on fire

 I have to blog about this movie on Netflix, brain on fire. I pretty much silently cried myself to sleep after watching it. It reminds me so much of battling Endometriosis. Having doctors think it’s IBS, or you are a drug seeker when you only function on Ibprofen. Or my pediatrician when I was a teenager telling my mom I was crazy. When the doctor told her that I know you are in there and I’m going to help you it really really made me just ache. I wish I knew what a normal functioning body feels like. There isn’t one day without pain. I feel like endometriosis is similar to the movie because my body is like slowly killing myself from the inside. Basically as they call it an invisible illness because people just don’t see it. If only they could and would understand. Even after a hysterectomy from my uterus that had endo, the doctor still found more endo years later. It won’t ever go away, there is no cure, no treatment to take it all away. So we- young girls and women are just trying to function daily and suffer in silence. So yeah I have a lot on my mind about that movie as it was incredible, however it just drained my soul. I’m so tired. There are days that I’d love to just give up but I’m hoping there is still some hope left. I feel like I am not in control of my body anymore and it sucks. So basically I’m just treading water right now hoping to not drown in a body that is failing and declining daily. 

It has been a bit

Since my last blog post, actually, the day after, I lost my job back in August of 2021. It honestly was the second worst day of my life. The first when I lost Jeremy. It really came out of nowhere and it broke me down physically and mentally. But, fast-forward to where I am now with weekends/holidays/out at 4 pm everyday, I guess you can say things happen for a reason. It sucks the way it went down because what they did was completely wrong but I am way better not being there. 

Since being back working for the state again, I am back with my amazing therapist which has helped balance me out a bit. Relationship wise. Bill and I have been together now for 6 months and it feels like it has been forever. He is literally a blessing and I am grateful to have my chapter 2. Things aren't perfect but we are perfect for each other. 

I know I briefly talked about weight loss surgery but that is behind me. When I lost my job I had to go on state insurance, then paying out of pocket for my insurance to cover me a bit so I decided it wasn't the right time. I am trying an alternative which is being on Trulicity. It is actually a med for diabetes which thankfully I do not have but it also helps with weight loss, especially people with PCOS and Endo. It is not a cure, just merely a tool to help. I haven't weighed myself since the doctors but I have noticed small things like not being able to indulge in my love of sushi. I also don't crave anything. The biggest thing for me is fueling myself with protein as much as I can throughout the day so I am not dragging ass. So we will see how this all pans out.

So yeah, life has been well, life. I also finished my Maters Degree which through all of the many obstacles this past year and a half I have to say it is rewarding and an incredible feeling.

Inside my head

 I feel so drained lately. Life has been a struggle. I have decided to get weight loss surgery so that has taken up a lot of my mind. Work has been a struggle lately. People have taken my kindness as a weakness. They underestimate me for sure, but little do they know that I have been underestimated my entire life. I was always known in school as "Ari's sister". Even when I interviewed at the PD I was known as "her sister". Well as I stare at my degree in front of me at work it has my name on it and no one else. I struggle so much when it comes to putting my heart and soul into work. What people do not realize is I am checking my e-mail after hours, trying to make sure everything runs smoothly, I stay late and I do whatever I can. When I first started in this position I did a SWAT analysis to see what was working and what wasn't. I also knew that becoming a manager was going to be a change for me but I have learned from many of my past supervisors to know what works and what doesn't work. It is SO DIFFICULT to not fall apart. Like today, stuff on my desk was rearranged and my drink mix was missing. It may seem like no big deal but I know someone is testing me and trying to out smart me. The old Allie would probably breakdown and react. But I have gone through enough shit in my life that you can't break me. 

I am smart and I am resilient. I may not have all my ducks in a row but I have worked my ass off to get to where I am. Nothing was EVER handed to me. My parents have supported me when it comes to being there for me mentally and such but they didn't pay for my school, I did and still am. So game on. I am not the same person I was. But one thing for sure is, you touch my shit we are going to have a lot of problems.