The day that changed my life.

Surgery day has come and gone but I will rewind to thursday, The doctor was actually ahead of schedule so I rushed to the hospital where they whisked me away to pre-op. I was so amped up but what was funny was my blood pressure was completely normal. The anesthesiologist gave me two options, a spinal or being knocked out. Let's just say I did not want to be numb and see all these people hanging out in my vagina. Dr M came in and we had a little discussion, he wanted to know if I wanted to keep my cervix or have it removed with my uterus. I didn't know the pros and cons so he actually took the time and drew out diagrams, went over pros and cons, etc. He said my risk for cervical cancer was high and that if the cervix didn't get removed I could also have endometriosis around the cervix, when he said those things it wasn't a choice it had to be done. So I had a total vaginal hysterectomy, which basically means the only thing I have is my tubes and ovaries. I was also worried about prolapse but he suspended everything and reattached ligaments so there is a less than 3 percent chance of everything falling out at a later time. Surgery lasted longer than expected. My dad said he heard respiratory being paged to my OR stat during everything but my doctor didn't say much but i'm sitting here breathing so i'm sure it wasn't major. 

When I woke up my pain was shit, it was the worst out of all my surgeries. They pumped me with a ton of dilaudid and I patiently waited to be brought up to my room. I had a catheter in and the first thing on my mind was getting that thing out, so once the nurse asked if i wanted to walk around and then take it out I did what I could to get my ass out of that bed and walk. I walked from one end to the floor to the other just to get that thing out. I tried to not be a bother with the nurses and I pretty much took care of myself the entire night. They were sweet though. Dr M came in that next morning and told me I was a fighter and then started saying he knows this will be so hard for me and I will be grieving. At that point I thought grieving would be the last on my mind.

Fast forward to this morning. Trying to make eggs and I knew there was butter in the fridge, but somehow it must have gotten thrown out, I stood there and bawled my eyes out because I didn't have butter. Then after that I just started feeling so depressed because now it's like all I have left is my ovaries, this stupid fucking disease took the majority of my damn organs. I am angry, heartbroken, devastated and just drained. I'm broken because I am sad for the baby I will never have in my belly. This was the biggest decision to make at 31. I had to make this alone, no one made it for me. I have a good support system but when the lights are out and i'm home alone this is what I think about. The loss, the fact that maybe if I would've just suffered and stuck with the pain I  could've had a child. I know in my brain that wasn't the choice but my heart isn't ready to heal. I've always wanted a baby, I love children so much, I mean I love poppy so much she's such a beautiful miracle that my sister and her husband made. They are blessed because I know she tried for so long and thats one thing I am happy for that my sister could have such an amazing baby, and one thing is for sure, she is one hell of a mom. I know I will always have poppy, I just wish I could feel a baby growing inside me. I won't ever get that feeling. I don't even know if I will have the strength or money to adopt a child. I know this is God's plan but I don't know why. Why he is throwing me one hell of a bone here. 

Besides all of this loss and grieving I am feeling alone. I know a few have reached out and mom has haunted me with cake and chinese food, I just still feel alone, bored, etc. But in a way i'm glad I have this month to myself, it will take so much longer to heal, internally and externally but I need this time away from work and just need a pause in life. 

The week away worrier

Today marks one more week till surgery. I can't even begin to tell you how much anxiety I have, it's unreal. Have not had anxiety like this in years. I am worried and scared which is odd because all my surgeries I had that game face and went in at full force. Right now I am like what if they take out my uterus and there isn't endo? Even though I already know the answer, but still, giving up a huge part of me is a big deal. I have people saying I understand, which is nice but when you've never had a hysterectomy at 31 then you don't understand. It's a huge decision. Who even knows how bad everything is inside. I also worry that the pain may not go away and then I will regret having the surgery. It's hard putting my thoughts into words because to be honest I don't have many friends to talk to about this. Everything happens for a reason, I truly know that but I hope that this is the right reason. It's going to take me a while to heal both mentally and physically. I can't even watch the Johnson and Johnson commercial about babies without wanting to bawl my eyes out. I know inside this is whats right and my doctor is the most knowledgeable and noble man i've met. So let the countdown begin. It's in God's hands now. Take the wheel from here please, this anxiety is killing me.