Week 3- surgery says.. I mean doctor says

Looks like my surgeon was right! My uterus had focal adenomyosis which for the non endo people its endometriosis inside my uterus. it's actually hard to find during pathology but mine was like hey how are you im right here waving. So basically my chances of having babies would've been nothing but heartbreaking with miscarriages and harmful to myself. It was a blessing in disguise. I also couldn't bear to have a daughter with this. I'm starting to
mentally switch my mindset in all of this. You tend to do that after 5 surgeries. 😬 Every time I would walk into the room before surgery i never really got nervous it was odd, I wasn't scared, I just did what I had to do. I guess that makes me strong even though I don't feel it.

The one thing that really plays in my mind was the fact that I've been on this journey alone. Meaning no significant other, I've had my mom and family there yes, but I've taken care of myself. In all honesty what guy would want to date a sick girl? The last date I went on the guy basically called me fat and said we weren't compatible. Maybe that's why I've thrown in the towel. It's sad because I think I'm a funny person, I'm actually pretty nice minus the hormonal shit I'm going through. I was so worried the other day that no one would want someone that couldn't have her own children. But a wise woman said if I meet that guy that is selfish like that then he isn't worth it. Which completely makes sense. I have a lot of good qualities. Yes I'm not super skinny as I used to be I'm fat but whatever it is what it is, I'm nervous without makeup on, I like to spend time at home with my fur babies, but what really truly matters is I am me. If that takes 10 years to find someone to be devoted to me then so be it. I won't settle for less than I deserve..


And onto the less emotional stuff..




I think my energy is slowly coming back, as I'm lying here at 9 pm 😂 Back pain is what's my new aggravation. Go figure it's not the hot flashes, weight gain, hormones, or my missing organs. I had lower back pain from the adenomyosis prior to surgery but this is a whole new level. It's like it's stiff and achy all the time. The doctor said its from something that is inflamed from surgery and will heal. He used fancy anatomy terms but my brain is fried. The funny thing is I haven't really rested much, I'm up early organizing stuff and throwing stuff away it's actually totally not me it's scary. I'm less of a hoarder now. Maybe I will work on my sleeping and resting this week. I only have another two weeks left before I go back to work. 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻

Just keep swimming

Welcome to week two of recovery.

I feel a little stronger than last week. I've decreased my pain meds so I can actually function. I know the doctor said rest for the first two weeks but clearly Dr. M doesn't know me THAT well. I have organized my closet, thrown a ton of shit away, kept my house clean, annoyed the cats, and thrown myself on the treadmill. I am still in pain and the whole night sweats and hot flashes are pretty entertaining. I have refrained from mentioning the word baby or child and blocked that out of my mind because even typing the words will make me cry uncontrollably. 

The thing that drives me nuts is when people say I'm sorry, you are too young to have a hysterectomy. Yes, I know. But please, don't be sorry. Just be there for me that's all. I am stubborn and I try to be tough and try to do everything and I need to take myself down a few pegs. I still am wondering why, that will be the ongoing question. Why did God take something from me and why couldn't he have done this say after I meet the man of my dreams? I am not a huge God person but one of my friends actually keeps sending me bible quotes and they are on point. Thank you for that, you know who you are and are one heck of a friend. It's funny when you become sick how many friends show up and how many run. That's been the case for the past 10 years, hey thanks Endo!

All this typing is making me sleepy. Another fun side effect but I have missed my power naps. So welcome to week two, this should be a bore.