Mind wandering

I tell you the drive home from work was very blurry. My mind went through a million thoughts as it does pretty much daily. Yes, I have more lows than highs lately and I feel so overwhelmed. The pain I felt when I was only 22 is back. The pain when I had a uterus is back. Why? What did I do to piss someone off ? Why am I dealt the shitty hand? Obviously there is not much to be done it's something I've lived with and there is not much more they can take from me. Believe me I have faked the happy face and the brave face when the pain is so intense, when the pain feels like barbed wire shredding my insides. But lately I'm done being brave and faking that I'm okay when to be honest I'm a mess inside. I can't even pee without wanting to scream because I get sharp pains shooting down my legs. Even laying here in bed being still as a corpse and it's like someone is taking a knife and repeatedly jabbing my cul-de-sac. This pain is real. This pain is endometriosis. 

On the way home I kept saying to myself I can't do this anymore I'm just done. Then this song blared over my speakers saying please don't leave quite yet. Listen, I would never kill myself so let's take that right off the table. I'm just saying I don't know how much more I can take how much pain and hurt and loss I can take. I'm out of my mind right now begging for some relief. I'm not who I was before. Pain changes you. Pain makes you bitter and cold. Yes I'm so bipolar lately and I will slap on my I'm okay face In public but it gets old real quick. I hate you endometriosis. I want my life back, I miss being allison. I miss me.

April showers...

They say April showers bring May flowers. I hope that refers to life itself. So much going on. My doctor wants me to try to have my eggs frozen before I get my ovaries removed. So I found an amazing place and want to see how much surrogacy would be because if everything with the egg retrieval goes well then I could have my own child if the price is right. So I am looking into that as well. I love how supportive my boyfriend is and the fact that he's trying to understand endometriosis. That's a huge deal. So maybe thats my may flowers.

My April showers is just life in general. I'm the type of person that lets stupid petty things bother me. Normal people would shrug stuff like that off. I on the other hand know my worth and know how hard I work. When you feel under appreciated and fed up new opportunities come forward. Even the nicest person has their breaking points.. 

The lonely hour

My heart is so heavy right now. I hate that I may have to have yet another surgery. I mean what's one more right? Yeah no. I don't want to go through it all again. With any chronic illness, you have good days and bad. I'm at the bad days right now. Also not being able to see my boyfriend for 2 weeks is just adding onto it all. I feel very alone and just emotionally drained. I am also blaming the rain for this mood swing from hell. (Sorry milli vanilli) I am all for staying positive but when your doctor calls and says we will do whatever we can to avoid surgery but I'm not sure how much more pain you can take. Well doc, I am not taking pain meds, I refuse pain meds, so therefore I can just push through. What I want is my uterus back I want it to be replaced with a healthy one. If I could have one wish that's what it would be!

Ugh

And it keeps coming back.

Well, as I knew deep down that my endo would come back, my gut was true. I also knew that my hormones were all over the place and that is because my endo has made its choice to hang out on my
Ovaries. Honestly, everything that was said to me in the last 24 hours is a blur. Bits and pieces flash forward around me and I'm left again with the pain inside my soul. My heart is shattered again. Here I go sweeping up the pieces. Surgery is a no. I can't put myself through another surgery.  I will find other ways to deal with the pain. This time is a bit scary, the dizzy spells, back pain, shooting pain down my legs, and other added bonuses. Some of which I've never experienced until now. For now my focus is on doing what I do best, pushing through the pain. I'm not this huge god person but I know there is a reason for all of this and I have yet to figure it all out, but I know he most likely knew that this was something I could handle. I just wish he would've waited until after I attempted to freeze my eggs. Which again, maybe he wanted me to adopt. I would've totally made some amazing babies in fairness. I am trying to be strong but when I am laying here alone in my dark room, that's when my thoughts start to wander. I've gone through this for a good part of my life I should be well versed in all of this. I just need to hang on tight.