Mind wandering

I tell you the drive home from work was very blurry. My mind went through a million thoughts as it does pretty much daily. Yes, I have more lows than highs lately and I feel so overwhelmed. The pain I felt when I was only 22 is back. The pain when I had a uterus is back. Why? What did I do to piss someone off ? Why am I dealt the shitty hand? Obviously there is not much to be done it's something I've lived with and there is not much more they can take from me. Believe me I have faked the happy face and the brave face when the pain is so intense, when the pain feels like barbed wire shredding my insides. But lately I'm done being brave and faking that I'm okay when to be honest I'm a mess inside. I can't even pee without wanting to scream because I get sharp pains shooting down my legs. Even laying here in bed being still as a corpse and it's like someone is taking a knife and repeatedly jabbing my cul-de-sac. This pain is real. This pain is endometriosis. 

On the way home I kept saying to myself I can't do this anymore I'm just done. Then this song blared over my speakers saying please don't leave quite yet. Listen, I would never kill myself so let's take that right off the table. I'm just saying I don't know how much more I can take how much pain and hurt and loss I can take. I'm out of my mind right now begging for some relief. I'm not who I was before. Pain changes you. Pain makes you bitter and cold. Yes I'm so bipolar lately and I will slap on my I'm okay face In public but it gets old real quick. I hate you endometriosis. I want my life back, I miss being allison. I miss me.