Hysterversary from hell

So one year ago today my life changed. I wasn't nervous I just walked in and went through the motions of giving up my chances to ever have my own children. I thought I could be strong, but lately I have hit such a wall. I keep wondering why me. I don't know what I did that was so wrong In life. I wonder where I would be now without endo. Would I be married with kids? Would I actually not have any worries? I know people try to reassure saying oh you can adopt. Please don't... because it's not the same to someone who wanted to feel someone inside their belly. The only thing I've experience is having a uterus and cervix being pulled from my vagina. I guess you can say I gave birth to my uterus. (SARCASM). I feel like I just need to escape my life. I just want to scream to be honest. Endo keeps chasing me and I just keep drowning deeper and deeper. I will say I am pretty good at acting. Especially when I come into work and just go through the motions. I honestly saw myself in a bigger better place than this. It's difficult to date, all anyone wants is sex, and no one wants to date the sick girl that sometimes can't get out of bed because the pain is too much to bear. Yes those types of men seem to exist and for some reason I attract those types. Lucky Me.

So yes, happy hysterversary. All I got out of this day is a iced tea from Starbucks and a long 8 hours of work.

33 before 33

I will get to the headline shortly, but here I am my last day being 31. This time last year I was cancelling my trip to the Dominican, and finding out I had to have a hysterectomy. Both were two huge decisions that I never wanted to really do at the time. It hasn't been an easy year. After my hysterectomy I was out of work for 6 weeks. A little over 2 weeks was unpaid so I had that going for me. I have felt off for a few months after it. There was one week where I was at home crying, I was looking at the dilauid and the Appleton estates rum and thought to myself why not? I can't have kids, I'm fat, no one want me, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and what more do I have besides Slob and Max. Well, I hit my LOWEST point. I actually was going to do it. I haven't told a soul, the only person that knows (well now the cats out of the bag) was a kind voice from the hotline I spoke to. I know I'm not the only one that has been there. Having this chronic illness can effect everything from your body to your mind to your heart. I became a hobbit for the months passing. It wasn't until this year that I actually started coming out of my shell. Yes there are times I am like FML but I will never ever try to hurt myself. I may not have a giant amount of people in my life but the few that I do have care and I would not want my cats to be homeless. The entire time I was thinking about Poppy. I thought that what would she think? How would she remember me? I know she is not my child but I care for her so much that I want to be there for her when she needs someone. Anyways that was how 31 went for me.

So to explain the whole 33 before 33 thing. I was laying around after vacation thinking that I need to do something, so I started making a bucket list of things to do before I'm 33. I took out the breaking a piece of wood with my head because I don't need any more surgeries. I just think it would be fun to do these things. After I do them I will cross them off my list. I actually just got my palm read tonight so that is off my list. Maybe I am starting a yearly tradition but whatever it may be, here's to the next year of my life, whatever it may be.

33 things to do before I'm 33- in no particular order 

1.Swim with wild pigs

2.Run a 5k

3.Go without makeup for 2 weeks 

4.Take voice lessons 

5.Skydive

6. Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle 

7.Go to Canada 

8.Get another tattoo

9.Ride in a hot air balloon

10.Knit a scarf 

11. Drink a gallon of water daily for a week

12.Have my palm read

13.Learn how to sew a button

14. Learn to love myself 

15.Go wine tasting 

16.Make fresh pasta

17.Learn Spanish 

18.Unplug for 48 hours 

19.Achieve my happy goal weight 

20.Ice skate

21.Fly in a helicopter 

22.Watch the sunrise

23.Hike

24.Graduate with my degree

25. Go to a movie alone

26. Read the Bible 

27.Learn archery 

28.See a musical

29.Let go of the past 

30.Meditate

31.Go see Statue of Liberty 

32.Go apple picking 

33.Find my soulmate