What National Infertility Awareness Week means to me

I didn't even know that there was an awareness week for infertility. Guess I know now. Infertility means a lot to me. Right after my 30th birthday I had my hysterectomy. The admissions lady at the hospital asked if I had children and I said no. The decision was not an easy one. A few weeks prior to surgery I was going to the doctors office to have my IUD replaced and having it taken out was no big deal but when he attempted to put it back in. The pain I felt was unreal, and it lingered all day. I never swear in pain but I did and Kip kept apologizing and it wasn't't his fault. He told me then he suspected Adenomyosis, which is when there is endometriosis inside you uterus and the only solution would be a hysterectomy. He told me to think about it. I remember driving home alone with a hospital heating pad and my seat warmers on, being stuck in traffic on 95, I was trying to not vomit because the pain was so bad, and I kept crying because I figured that would help ease the pain. I told myself I never want to go through that pain ever again. So the next day I scheduled my hysterectomy.

Even though I know it came with a big price of never being able to have children, I know now that I made the right decision. It wasn't easy recovering, it was the most emotional rollercoaster there was. From not being able to look at babies without crying to suicidal thoughts. That year was a struggle. Yes the pain of the uterus trying to literally kill me is gone, but the effects of endo that remains inside my body continues daily. It isn't as severe as it was but it's enough to make you question everything.

National Infertility Awareness week means so much, it remind me that I gave up a part of my life that I can't get back. I've always wanted children, I wanted to experience having my own children. Now my only option is to adopt, which with my salary that will not happen. I do know that maybe this was in the cards for me all along. For now I will settle being a fur mama.

To eat or not to eat

The one thing that totally boggles my mind is when you have to watch what you eat. I typically eat the same things everyday and it's mostly stuff I have cooked ahead of time. Thanks to endo whatever you have been eating, even though it is the same, can just find it's way of messing up your system. We won't go into the lovely details but it is frustrating, and I can understand how women with this disease can reach their breaking points because clearly I am right there. Being up all night I started doing what I do best and read up on some things and it lead me to leaky gut syndrome or whatever it was (it was 6 am at this point). I didn't realize all the years of birth control, ib profen, Tylenol #3, naproxen, and whatever else the doctors have thrown at me could damage your intestines. It also doesn't help that part of the endo was excised from my intestines. This disease super sucks!! I have had it. Now I have to figure out what is safe besides club crackers and water. GRRR!!!

It is perfectly fine to lose your sh*t

I haven’t been having a good few weeks. Stress has taken over and so has my heartburn, endo flares, and everything else. Pretty normal for me to have a lot going on but my face is starting to break out like a 16 year old. This has only happened a few times. The first time was in high school then I went on accutane, which do not ever go on that stuff, please! It’s so bad for your body. Anyways, nothing seems to work and I’m thinking my spiroactelone that I take to balance my hormones isn’t working. I am usually pretty good at not really caring what I look like but this is killing my self esteem for sure. I have graduation in a month and my trip and combined with everything else I need a namaste moment or a one way ticket to someplace warm. I know people juggle far more worse that I do but I am allowed to lose my shit every once and a while and so is everyone else in this world. We are all normal people dealing with so many so if you have to dance it out or scream it out, go for it. I tend to put on a killer playlist or throw on my karaoke app and sing my worries away. As always in life, these days and weeks are just that, and things will be better. Well let’s hope so because my face is literally killing me here.

Relationships.. Lack of

Relationships aren't easy, especially when you throw a disease that has no cure and endless flareups in the mix. When it comes to my life and the long journey of broken hearts, it never really became complicated till the men I dated focused on my lady parts instead of my heart. Of course I was naive back then and was afraid of losing the person I was with so I tried... too hard for sure. It all comes down to do we really need someone just to feel alright in our own skin? That was my blanket for many years. It wasn't until I was with someone that took my kindness for granted many many times that I saw that I was being taken advantage and I was in fact scared to be alone. I was broken down so many times and it took me breaking down and finding the truth (thank you God for that) that I left and never looked back.

I may have been flying the solo wagon for a few years and I have to say that when I date someone and get that feeling, then I trust my gut. Why settle for someone just because you think that things will change? No thank you. I also think pain changes you, being torn apart and well literally flipped almost upside down (hysterectomy humor) changes the way you feel. I may have the worst self confidence ever and pretty much can't stand what I see in the mirror most days but I know that one day when I do find my person, that I won't need them to validate me. What I want is someone that will inspire me, and be there when there are the days that I can't get out of bed, or run and heat up one of the many microwavable heating pads I have. I hope that one day I get the happiness I so deserve because I know I deserve that. Everyone deserves to be loved, to have someone that puts you at the top of their world because that is where you belong.