I didn't even know that there was an awareness week for infertility. Guess I know now. Infertility means a lot to me. Right after my 30th birthday I had my hysterectomy. The admissions lady at the hospital asked if I had children and I said no. The decision was not an easy one. A few weeks prior to surgery I was going to the doctors office to have my IUD replaced and having it taken out was no big deal but when he attempted to put it back in. The pain I felt was unreal, and it lingered all day. I never swear in pain but I did and Kip kept apologizing and it wasn't't his fault. He told me then he suspected Adenomyosis, which is when there is endometriosis inside you uterus and the only solution would be a hysterectomy. He told me to think about it. I remember driving home alone with a hospital heating pad and my seat warmers on, being stuck in traffic on 95, I was trying to not vomit because the pain was so bad, and I kept crying because I figured that would help ease the pain. I told myself I never want to go through that pain ever again. So the next day I scheduled my hysterectomy.
Even though I know it came with a big price of never being able to have children, I know now that I made the right decision. It wasn't easy recovering, it was the most emotional rollercoaster there was. From not being able to look at babies without crying to suicidal thoughts. That year was a struggle. Yes the pain of the uterus trying to literally kill me is gone, but the effects of endo that remains inside my body continues daily. It isn't as severe as it was but it's enough to make you question everything.
National Infertility Awareness week means so much, it remind me that I gave up a part of my life that I can't get back. I've always wanted children, I wanted to experience having my own children. Now my only option is to adopt, which with my salary that will not happen. I do know that maybe this was in the cards for me all along. For now I will settle being a fur mama.
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