Dating when you have a chronic illness is not only a challenge physically but mentally. Let's just say it can be draining. Prior to my diagnosis at 22, I dated a few people. Mostly they were toxic, and some took advantage of me, but looking back at that I thought I was naive but they were the ones who were complete jerks. There were a few good ones in the mix but I had a tendency of ruining them when things got to close. There was that one guy I almost married, but he never gave me an engagement ring and cheated on me (we won't go into details), I thought that was love and it has taken me a long time to get over that.
I tried dating after the disaster 'foe' engagement/wedding/mess, but at that time I was in and out of hospitals until last year. When someone cuts open your body and you have all these scars, it really messes with your head. I have always been self conscious even when I was skinny, and I noticed that when I went on dates I may have hated the way my body looked but I faked a good smile and attempted to turn on the charm. I never made it to a second date, many of these guys all wanted sex, and when you have endo sex is the last thing on your mind because it's painful ALL of the time. Some called me fat, now mind you I did put the truth into my dating profile that I was sure not skinny.
It's mentally exhausting putting yourself out there, the plan of me being married with children slapped me in the face after my hysterectomy. They say good things come to those who wait, well I may be old and dead by that point. Just the other week, I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked someone out. I thought it was a date however they thought it was a friends thing. Here's the thing, I'm not mad at the situation, it's the fact that I stepped out of my comfort zone. I asked someone out which is something I don't do. It's not easy to make a reach like that. He was honest about what he wanted but I don't think he was really listening to what I wanted and assumed I was looking for a knight and shining armor. The thing is I've taken care of myself after my surgeries (with the help of my mom) but at the end of the day when she leaves it's me cooking and cleaning and waking up every four hours to make sure I'm above my pain level. I've taken care of myself for so long I don't need someone to take care of me. What I want is someone to take me as I am, the good and the bad, I don't need candlelight and romance, okay maybe sometimes, but I also don't need to jump into something right away. I just want to get to know someone and see where it goes. When you have chronic illness it's hard to trust and hard to put your walls down. I'm not saying I'm giving up on dating, but I like focusing on me and if the right one comes along then that's awesome, if not I'm still doing what I do best and that's traveling the world alone and putting myself first.
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