It has been a little bit since I have posted last. I have been taking some time to reflect on everything that has happened this year and prior years. I don't think I have really sat back and realized how much I have been through and to see where I am now and how I am still here alive and well. I honestly am grateful and blessed, even through the pain and heartache. I have come a long way.
The once girl that was afraid to speak up because I was afraid, is now the girl that stood up in a room full of people sharing her story to a room full of strangers. The girl that was afraid to leave and walk away from relationships, is now the girl that knows what she wants and won't settle for less. There is so much more soul searching. Trust me I am not perfect.
Relationship wise, I used to think that when I was with someone and they cheated, lied, or verbally abused me and left me that I did something wrong, that it was my fault. It was never my fault. That's one thing I tell myself, that it was never my fault, and I should NEVER apologize for being me. So many times I said I was sorry when I did something wrong. So many times I blamed myself. Even recently, I focused on something so much that it took away from who I really was and I started to see myself fall back into the pattern of putting all my effort into someone that didn't mutually give me the same effort. I am glad that I shut that door. It wasn't easy and my heart broke a bit but, onward.
I think relationships are such a mentally draining thing for me. I hate dating, I constantly worry about the what ifs and being self conscious doesn't really help the matter. I am such an old soul that when I care about someone I put my heart and soul into it that when it blows up in my face, which it normally does, I become guarded and shut down. That is something I need to start working on. No matter what I am always me. 110%
So who knows what 2019 will bring, I am hoping to take it as it comes, and to be grateful for all that the good lord has given me. That's for sure. Here's to the almost end of another year, and to still being a bad ass Endo warrior.
