It’s okay not to be okay

As I’m writing this I have the window open because I’m hot and the heating pad stretched across my abdomen because I’ve had a flare so bad I’m hunched over and getting the ever so familiar Edward scissor hand pain to my lower body. These flare days have been more frequent lately and it has really taken a toll on my mental health that’s for sure. Let’s face it, when your stomach is bloated and you are tired you don’t feel attractive at all. I feel like a potato and with that whole look, it’s made me feel disgusting. Total mood killer for sure. With that said I’ve tried to push it all aside and have gotten back into working out to try and boost something. I also reached out to a therapist which is so desperately needed lately. The one thing I’m not embarrassed to say is that it’s okay not to be okay and it’s okay to put yourself first when you fall down. I think this all stemmed from finding out that I’m having yet another surgery and the burden that falls on my back. I’ve put on a brave face but when you are faced with another battle yet again it become draining. I’ve faked a smile more times then I can count and hopefully by talking through it, I can work on me. Trust me I am blessed, I have a roof over my head, a good support system, and of course an incredible boyfriend that I ask myself everyday how am I deserving of all this. But there are those dark days that follow me and when you add pain to the mix it can really mess with your head. I have another 4 months until surgery so until then, I’m going to find the person I’ve been missing.