The doctor's office called yesterday to go over my pre-op stuff and I didn't even realize that we are almost in July. Literally I am a little over a month away from yet another endo surgery. I was never this anxious prior to any of them until now. I am like a full blown zombie because I haven't really been sleeping and the stress of trying to get everything done like day to day adulting plus practically living at work and grad school is making my head spin. It is really hard to stop and take a breath. Among all of that I cancelled my cruise for next year which totally blows but financially I have to put it on hold because I need to live on that money while being out of work. Again, reason #3843942 why I don't sleep. I totally get that there are people that are going through far worse and this is all out of my control and I need to be in the Jesus take the wheel mind-frame but man this shit sucks. I know in the end everything will work out but I need a damn break or a vacation because surgery is so not going to be a vacation.
I am however looking forward to my birthday even though I will most likely be ordered into work. I am already craving my cake from Milk Bar because I am obsessed with Christina Tosi and I've had her crack pie and cookies and if they are any glimpse of how good the cake will be I am going to be in heaven. I am hoping I am able to enjoy the day and just eat cake and eat whatever the hell I want.
I have been living on chicken and quinoa and ground turkey lately (thanks endo).
I am just so very tired of being sick, granted I don't really let it stop me from enjoying myself. As much as I pay for it after I spent way too many years letting the pain take over my life and relationships. Granted it didn't help I dated douche canoes(morons) that only thought of themselves and never tried to understand what I was going through. I think that is why my circle of friends is so small and that it is hard for me to let anyone in because people in my past have broken my trust and have walked all over me. I deserve so much in my life that now I never settle. If that is one thing I can take out of all of this, it is to never settle for less than what you deserve.
Namaste
~A
