Surgery & Such

So I am a two weeks post op from my 6th surgery. I'd like to say it was successful but unfortunately it wasn't. While he was peeking around it was found that my left ovary was and is stuck to my bowel. Probably why I am all screwed up GI wise. When he tried to lift up the ovary, my blood pressure and heart rate would drop, so he put it down and tried again and the same happened. So for right now that is still stuck. He did do excision in my sigmoid colon, and I am sure I will find out the rest friday at post-op. I feel defeated and broken to say the least. I get the reason why he couldn't cut out the ovary but why not? It's not like I can have children and this is causing so many issues. So who knows cause I don't. This disease is draining and I am mentally drained. Physically too, the healing process is a lot rougher then what I remember at prior surgeries. My pain is pretty severe and sleeping just isn't happening. Also being alone and cooped up in the house pretty sucks.

Mentally I feel defeated because I thought that this would be it and I would have my pain managed but yet here I am because I thought I could keep pushing my surgery because here I was putting everything but myself first. I literally am so so tired of this disease and so frustrated that this will never be the end. I am not sure how many more surgeries I can take. This is the real face of endometriosis, the frustration and the fears and the unknown. When you are faced with fighting again you grow tired. I guess there is not much I can do but adjust my sails and keep going as hard as it is. I know this will never be my last surgery and I need to just enjoy life while I can no matter how much pain I am in. Sometimes you have to reach inside yourself when you are defeated and broken and find the will to keep going.  Guess I will find out this week when post op happens.

Pre Op

I’m mentally preparing myself for 13 hours today and 16 hours tomorrow, all while not being on medication because surgery is on Wednesday so I’m just a basket full of endometriosis right now.

My pre op lasted 30 minutes And I asked the doctor am I crazy? Because I’ve had two ablation surgeries back in my 20s and I’m wondering if that made me screwed up in the long run.  What he basically said was by them burning the Endo it made it easier for scar tissue to build up, so basically the insides of my body are being cemented together. So now he has to go in and work through all that scar tissue then cut out the endo and unstick my organs. When he said that, my entire soul was crushed.  I can’t go back and think of the what if’s  because there was nobody to blame but those doctors that were poorly trained in the proper diagnosis of endometriosis. I am super scared of what’s going to happen because all I’m imagining is somebody taking a drill to my insides because of it being cemented together. I haven’t slept and I’m just so ready for the healing to begin. I can’t wait to just focus on me for a bit. I’ve been too busy worrying about relationships and everyone else’s problems that it’s time to focus on me.