Getting me back

I am just going to say it.... depression sucks. I literally didn't want to get out of bed yesterday and called out of work because my entire brain and body was just shut off to everything. I can count on my hands the times I've been depressed and it normally happens after surgery when my hormones are acting up and trying to get themselves in check. I just feel like I am drowning in every aspect of my life. I've been working alone for almost a year and I have being doing the job of two people and it gets very overwhelming at times so there is that small part. Then financially I wasn't expecting all of these added medical bills for things that my health insurance didn't deem necessary. Financially I make it by I do my best and yes there is overtime at work bla bla but it's hard to work like a maniac when your body is exhausted after putting in the 40 hours already. That is one thing people don't understand. I had someone say well I have IBS and this and that. Okay understood. But have you ever heard about a disease that takes over you body and everyday it's fighting itself and you are just trying to function with no clear end in sight?? didn't think so. I bet if I let a few of them borrow my body for a few days they wouldn't complain about their minor issues. Yes I am being a bitch but it gets exhausting trying to explain it when people couldn't give a shit.

I am also trying to balance all of this with having a boyfriend that I love beyond words. I don't like to verbally complain because I know that he works 10x harder than me and he doesn't complain he just goes about his day. And I want to be that rock for him and put my issues aside. The distance kills me thats for sure but he really is that calm to all the chaos that my life is going through right now. I think my issue is I try too much and I try to make everything be perfect when I should let things fall into place. I also am so damn impatient. I will say that waking up and knowing I have him in my life does make going through this a little better, also my friends. My two very very best friends that have talked me off several ledges so many times that I can count. I may have two friends that are there when I need them granted they live far as hell, but the keep me laughing. I just wish I could take a mental time out from life for like a week in Cabo.....I know the old me will be back and that this is only temporary but for fuck sake I need a new damn body.

If I could turn back time

If I could go back in time to my younger self right around the time I was 11/12 when I had no idea what was happening to my body, I would not just brush it off. I think that if I was that age now, that there would be more resources for me to turn to when facing Endometriosis. There are still so many misconceptions and "false advertisement" to be honest but I think I would've been in a better situation in this day and age. I always think about the what if's like what if I had excision to start with, instead of the only option at the time which was ablation. I wonder if maybe there could've been a possibility to have my own children. I also wonder if I would've been happily married or still shopping for size 12 jeans and being a crazy yoga and spin addict. I also wonder if I would be in such debt because of these uncovered medical costs and being out of work without pay. These are things that I think about in the back of my mind sometimes. Again, I wouldn't change anything except the fact that I wish I knew about the proper standard of care sooner rather than later. I feel that awareness and education come hand in hand and this disease should have been advocated and discussed in certain environments like schools during health class, school nurses and even medical staff. It should've been on the news, social media, etc. Now you can't even go on Facebook with random adds popping up on your sidebar.

When I think about what I've gone through in the 20 plus years of ever knowing and having this disease, it is mind boggling. Not only what my body has gone through but my entire life and emotions, relationships, and everything in between. From physical abuse, mental abuse, to surgery after surgery. From doing everything from traveling to working out, to now running out of energy after taking a shower. Living in a body that is draining itself faster than an iPhone battery is exhausting yet I am still here. The reason for that is because I push through the daily pain and exhaustion and know that I can block it out mentally. I swear if it wasn't for my parents all of these years I would've given up on myself a long time ago. So yes, it's been one hell of a ride that still keeps on going with no end in sight. But I am still here showing up every day. It's important to still find that piece of yourself, the one that has always been there and let it shine even when you just want to give up. From then until now, I did what I could to just be me. I was never scared in any of those surgeries I just walked through the fire because I knew it was something I had to do. Maybe I'm a warrior or maybe I am just numb to it all. I also think it's because I would tell myself there are people out there fighting battles that are far more worse than mine so suck it up. And that's just what I do.

Yes it's exhausting to have your body give up on you but if I could go back to the younger version of me I would tell her to just keep pushing through, it's okay to cry and it's okay to breakdown but never give up because once you give up, you surrender everything that you've ever fought for.