Tuesday, October 22, 2019

If I could turn back time

If I could go back in time to my younger self right around the time I was 11/12 when I had no idea what was happening to my body, I would not just brush it off. I think that if I was that age now, that there would be more resources for me to turn to when facing Endometriosis. There are still so many misconceptions and "false advertisement" to be honest but I think I would've been in a better situation in this day and age. I always think about the what if's like what if I had excision to start with, instead of the only option at the time which was ablation. I wonder if maybe there could've been a possibility to have my own children. I also wonder if I would've been happily married or still shopping for size 12 jeans and being a crazy yoga and spin addict. I also wonder if I would be in such debt because of these uncovered medical costs and being out of work without pay. These are things that I think about in the back of my mind sometimes. Again, I wouldn't change anything except the fact that I wish I knew about the proper standard of care sooner rather than later. I feel that awareness and education come hand in hand and this disease should have been advocated and discussed in certain environments like schools during health class, school nurses and even medical staff. It should've been on the news, social media, etc. Now you can't even go on Facebook with random adds popping up on your sidebar.

When I think about what I've gone through in the 20 plus years of ever knowing and having this disease, it is mind boggling. Not only what my body has gone through but my entire life and emotions, relationships, and everything in between. From physical abuse, mental abuse, to surgery after surgery. From doing everything from traveling to working out, to now running out of energy after taking a shower. Living in a body that is draining itself faster than an iPhone battery is exhausting yet I am still here. The reason for that is because I push through the daily pain and exhaustion and know that I can block it out mentally. I swear if it wasn't for my parents all of these years I would've given up on myself a long time ago. So yes, it's been one hell of a ride that still keeps on going with no end in sight. But I am still here showing up every day. It's important to still find that piece of yourself, the one that has always been there and let it shine even when you just want to give up. From then until now, I did what I could to just be me. I was never scared in any of those surgeries I just walked through the fire because I knew it was something I had to do. Maybe I'm a warrior or maybe I am just numb to it all. I also think it's because I would tell myself there are people out there fighting battles that are far more worse than mine so suck it up. And that's just what I do.

Yes it's exhausting to have your body give up on you but if I could go back to the younger version of me I would tell her to just keep pushing through, it's okay to cry and it's okay to breakdown but never give up because once you give up, you surrender everything that you've ever fought for.

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