Tomorrow is never promised

A month ago, my boyfriend/fiance passed away, short of his 34th birthday. I still replay that day over in my head. I woke up to a Facebook call from his brother, I ignored it because I thought they were butt dialing me or whatever. I found it weird that Jeremy didn't text me good morning because it was about 10 and the man texted me "good morning beautiful" everyday. I then scrolled Facebook at a group popped up asking what happened in the area he lived in. Then my brain started flashing because he was supposed to take his motorcycle to work. I then called his brother and his brother told me that Jeremy had passed. I remember telling his brother that he was "f*ckin joking" but he told me that he was dead. I don't really remember much of what happened after, just me screaming and breaking down it was like my entire body just let go, I called my parents right away for them to come over, them my best friend and then my friend who is a Captain at the local police department. I wanted answers and in my head I wanted to just drive there and see him.
I made the mistake of scrolling Facebook, and people started their rumor mills which I had to put to rest. The Captain told me it was an overdose. I remember shouting on the phone " my boyfriend didn't do drugs! his excedrine migraine medicine was here!" yes he smoked pot but that was the only thing that calmed him down and we got that from a dispensary. I was so upset that people could look at him and where he lived and think yeah just another kid from the city that overdosed. It made me so angry because with Jeremy, I always had his back. There is no way my fiancé overdosed and I’ll forever say that and will forever defend him and his legacy.
I also keep remembering the night before he passed away. I wanted to make Dynamites which is a Rhode Island twist on sloppy joes. I've never made them so I thought it would be the consistancy of chili. After 4 jars of tomato paste I attempted to rescue the chili/dynamites and Jeremy goofed at me asking when the chili was done. That was how his humor was, he was a sarcastic goofball that drove me nuts from day one. After we ate I will spare the romantic details of that night, but before he left I was sitting on my couch and he leaned over the couch to kiss me and told me he would let me know when he got home. I was way too into my game when I saw a text come through that he was home. Then I saw he was online on the game that we were so damn into so I facetimed him a little bit, we texted then he went to sleep. That was the last time I heard from Jeremy.
I met Jeremy through a dating website (Match) back in the beginning of the year. I just ended a 6 month relationship that was long distance and I figured why not dip my feet into the dating pool again? before my long distance relationship I was single for years (like 5) to be exact. Anyways, this guy from my town messaged me and with online dating you have to weed through messages from some interesting people. I briefly read through the message and I was like do I really want to get involved with someone that lives in my city and is a year younger than me? I for sure was being picky but I had every right to be picky from years of mental and verbal abuse among 9 million surgeries. On a side note, it is very very challenging to have someone stick around when you explain to them you literally have no organs left in your body and that your body is trying to kill you from the inside out. So, I had to protect myself. Trust me, many people don't stick around when they realize how sick you are. But you wouldn't guess it from looking at me. Okay- getting side tracked. So I messaged him back and we talked briefly then exchanged numbers.
Jeremy was different, he was really sweet and kind. At first I did think he was a bit of a creeper because he was planning on going out for his friends birthday and we were only talking a week or two but he said I am getting a hotel room if you want to join me for the night. I was like who in the world would say that?! Granted I now know that he didn't mean it like that. The poor guy was trying so damn hard and he was not good at using his words sometimes. With my schedule it was hard to make any plans because I work nights, weekends, holidays- I'll spare you the details and lets just say I work a lot.
So the night he was going out with his friends I was off so I told him that if he drinks and needs a ride I will drive him home. That's the one thing with me. I have seen too many people die from being stupid and drinking and driving. Trust me I was young and dumb too many times. So, the night he was getting ready for this club thing he messaged me a million times trying to find a white shirt and shoes. I remember him facetiming me a million times for advice on what shirt and shoes to get. Thankfully, when it comes to men's clothing I have a slight eye for what is tasteful. When he snapped me from the hotel I was blown away at how handsome he was. I mean even when we facetimed earlier I was like this guy is hot, why would he want a homeless looking person like me with 90 cats. (I only have 2). So around like 10 that night Jeremy decided he needed to be picked up, what he didn't tell me was that he had a place to stay. Mister smooth moves over there. I had to work the next day but I always keep my word. So I threw on clothes and picked his very drunk butt up from the middle of downtown providence. This was my first time meeting him and trust me this was the first time I was picking a complete stranger up. He was a soup sandwich for sure, he smelled like cigarettes and a bar. He was so loud, and I was thinking to myself what did I just do. He came to my house and took a shower and I thought he fell in the shower but he was so drunk he was knocking everything off the sides of the tub. I kept saying to myself okay this is like only for one night. I always like to tell the story and say Jeremy drove me nuts from the beginning so as you can imagine he sure did. I won't get into the major bedroom details but the funniest part was at 0600 am when he woke me up and told me we had to be down in providence for 7 before his car got towed. After sleeping for 3 hours, you could believe I was like ready to stab him because I had to work and he was just telling me this now. So up I rose to drive him to his car. He did make me stop and he filled my tank. Which I was shocked. No one other than my parents have filled my gas tank. I dropped him off at his car. It was a good thing he didn't stay, he texted and told me some weird things that went down in his friends hotel room.
I attempted to nap before work and when I was putting my lunch into my car, Jeremy's license was on the floor of my front seat. I was like you've got to be kidding me! Again the man drove me nuts. I knew he needed his license so here I was driving to drop it off. He told me it's the yellow house across from the school. What Jeremy failed to tell me was there were SEVERAL yellow houses. Again, the man killed me dead so many times. What he also failed to tell me was this was his spare license because he got a duplicate years ago. But that was Jeremy. I could go on and tell you a million stories. Like that night when we first met and he asked me out a million times and I said no you are drunk. Those are the memories that make me laugh.
Jeremy was my everything and more. He didn't ask for much, he took my good days and my bad days and tried to understand the complexity of Endometriosis in its entirety. He was always there when I needed him. He would surprise me with flowers and cards for no reason. He loved to take over in the kitchen and we would always cook together. He was amazing to my niece and nephew and my family loved him like he was their own son. There are many memories I will keep in my heart.
Yesterday, when I started typing this, my phone rang and my ring he got me was ready. I had to send it out to be sized. Since he passed I've been hoping and praying for signs, for pretty much anything and everything. You never realize how lost and alone you feel when a piece of your heart dies. It is like your heart dies with them. What we had was private, that's what I loved most. He kept me away from family drama because he didn't want anyone on the outside to intervene. We kept the past in the past no matter what. It is sad that his family didn't really get to know me. But after Jeremy died, I crawled down that rabbit hole and I swear I had to block all that extra shit out. I wish I had a piece of him, actually I wish I had him. I have his toothbrush and clothes and small things but what I want is him.
I remember at the wake when the clergy did benediction and he was saying may he rest in eternal life and other things, I kept crying because I didn't want it to be true. Like why God? why take away the person that was my world? After everything I have been through in my life why? I didn't want to accept it. Parts of me still can't grasp that he is in Heaven. For me, the nights and mornings- actually all hours of the day are hard. You would think I am a pretty good actress because years of being in pain has taught me to fake that everything is okay. So at work I put on that fake face. As soon as I leave, the tears flow and I realize that I am going home to a house that is without him. I mean I am pretty strong and tough but this has tested my patience. I never thought I would wake up one day and he'd be gone. I mean we were looking at our dream wedding venue like a month ago because we loved how they had hot weiners at the end of the night and clamcakes which was his favorite. We were planning vacations and he passed away before his birthday.
I will say in all of this, there were so many people that reached out, people I haven't spoken to in years. I am not one to talk to anyone I usually hide but I knew I had to answer the phone and talk to people. His family may not want any part of my life and that hurt a little but I am grateful for my family and friends. Those people are far more important than the petty bullshit. Even his good friends have been so incredible.
When Jeremy passed I reached out to a medium, we spoke the night he passed and on his birthday. She said something that has resonated in my head. That he is with me more than anyone else. She also said he doesn't want me with anyone else and I had to laugh because like a month ago he told me that in a text and I said trust me no one else wants me I am happy with what I have. I may not see all the signs of him floating around my life and my heart will forever be missing him. Trust me I am all over the place as you can tell. I will always fight for him and stand by him. From the moment I met him I knew he was going to come into my life for a reason. He showed me that there are people that will love you no matter what and to be honest he set the bar so high for anyone that ever comes into my life. There is only one Jeremy and no matter what I will love him until we meet again one day.

Trust the Magic of Beginnings

It has been a minute since I have posted much. I have been trying to get me back and I fell into a bit of a depression for awhile, especially though the winter months. Work has been dragging me down to where I feel like I am never good enough and maybe after doing this for 10 years that this may not be the job for me because I am always shown my faults constantly. It is like I am always reminded of the bad rather than the good. I know deep down that isn't the case but I literally am drained when I leave. The one thing I will say is when I leave and go home I don't really take it with me I focus on what I have around me.

School has been challenging, my last class was a disaster, the professor was pretty strict. I am about 4 classes away from my Masters and I am glad to see the finish line. This was a lot of hard work and a lot of typing. I thought it would be easy, with a few papers here and there but it is way beyond that. Who knows where this will take me but no one can take a degree from you.

With all of that madness going on, I met someone. I was content with just being alone because let's face it, I have always been taking care of myself for the majority of my life. Then I met him. It was a bit of a random meeting, and I took a leap which for me it was hard because after my ex my walls were up and I didn't know if I could trust another human being. Things will never be perfect in life, but that isn't what I want or need. Things with my boyfriend is our type of perfectly imperfect. I mean he snores so loud I wear earplugs. He can't sit still for like longer than 20 minutes and he drives me nuts sometimes. But, those are the little things. What you don't see is the person that I could call at anytime and he'd be there for me, the one that poppy was on his shoulders and can boss him around. He also brings me flowers for no reason and doesn't hide anything. He is pretty much an open book. He is someone that came into my life at the most unexpected time and I couldn't love him any less than I do now. I hate when he has to leave but I do like not wearing ear plugs to sleep when he is away that's for sure! But honestly, God puts people in your life for a certain reason. I feel as though my exes were preparing me for what was to come. That maybe I wasn't ready for this all until now. One thing I can say is that if this is what love is really like, I think I am content.

Anyways, that's my life update for now..

Never Settle

I wanted to write this days ago but I literally have been struggling so bad trying to put everything together in my head. Jeff broke up with me. Over text. Literally 3 hours after he left my house after we had a good night. He came down to see me because they literally ended up getting like 30" of snow, so it was a last minute decision, plus he was going to see his daughter the next day anyways that lives by me. Anyways, I've been battling some hardcore pneumonia, and I went out in the cold pouring rain to pick up his cake, get donuts, and wait in line to pick up other stuff so that he could have a good birthday.

Now let me rewind to when we first start talking 6 months ago, I spent a lot of money on this kid, because let's face it, I am a giver, always have been. He is really into Batman comics, so I helped him finish a set or whatever of comics, actually two sets. Then I sent him letters for him to open because I thought it would be sweet, I took a lot of time to put them together. I fixed up an old laptop for him and sent it because the man didn't have a laptop and mine was pretty old but I spent 4 hours after shift to get it set up. I can't even remember how much I have done for him, not because I wanted to "buy" his affection but I really loved him and I thought he loved me. Christmas I can't even stomach what I spent. Now mind you, I am one person, with student loans working my ASS off to provide for myself with medical bills and such. Yet I went above and beyond. His birthday I mean I got him an apple watch among everything else. I literally feel so taken advantage of. And for him to be at his baby mama's house and text me that he has issues he needs to deal with and we can be friends? yeah I def. call bullshit on that one real quick.

First off, how can you text someone and not be a man and call. Why even come down to see me? Like why even waste my damn time. If you actually love a person no matter what they are going through you deal with it as a couple, you don't give up and you sure as hell don't walk away. He doesn't realize how damaging it is to me. How I'm questioning everything in my life. But he doesn't care, that's the answer, he doesn't care. To think, I was going to move my entire life to be up there with him and thank God I didn't, because I can't imaging dealing with this and being up there and being alone and having nothing in the end. So maybe I dodged a bullet? I mean IDK, and I waited 6 months to be intimate with my boyfriend, our intimacy was literally hand holding. If that doesn't fuck with you head IDK what does. I just maybe was blind to all of this I really think I was. I tried so hard and I can't begin to tell you how broken I am. It took me a long time to trust someone and that trust is forever broken. If he actually wanted to be my friend and cared he would've checked in on me.

Haven't head from him AT ALL. It's disgusting and I feel taken advantage of. The truth will eventually come out and yes I am bitter and salty, but I have every reason to.

New year same me

Well here I am, one month down into the new year and I've managed to start it off in my usual fashion of getting sick. This time community acquired pneumonia,  say that three times fast right? I've had pneumonia since I was a kid, that's when we found my allergy to Sulfa, so this is nothing new but this time feels worse that the time I was in the hospital for it. This also was the first time a nurse has ever blown a vein so that was quite interesting. I now have two very hardcore bruises on each forearms. I feel like me and my health is an ongoing battle so hey what's something else right? I swear I just want like one or two weeks of a medical break for my wallets sake.

Everything else seems to just be like groundhogs day; wake up, go to work, sleep, wash, rinse and repeat. Also trying to keep a long distance relationship afloat is never an easy task. Patience is something I have never been good at, and I will say it's been tested many times but I have been really patient and trusting the process of it all. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I just love this man so much that I put everything into it and I just am scared that it will combust before my eyes because nothing good in my life ever stays, it usually explodes before my eyes. And trust me I never settle, so this is huge for me. I also am afraid of it just being the way that it is and not pushing forward. I mean I can't be like how I was in my past waiting years and years with someone and it going no where. But time will tell and I just have to trust that God has a plan. It's scary to put someones life in someone else's hands but Jesus take the wheel.