Never Settle

I wanted to write this days ago but I literally have been struggling so bad trying to put everything together in my head. Jeff broke up with me. Over text. Literally 3 hours after he left my house after we had a good night. He came down to see me because they literally ended up getting like 30" of snow, so it was a last minute decision, plus he was going to see his daughter the next day anyways that lives by me. Anyways, I've been battling some hardcore pneumonia, and I went out in the cold pouring rain to pick up his cake, get donuts, and wait in line to pick up other stuff so that he could have a good birthday.

Now let me rewind to when we first start talking 6 months ago, I spent a lot of money on this kid, because let's face it, I am a giver, always have been. He is really into Batman comics, so I helped him finish a set or whatever of comics, actually two sets. Then I sent him letters for him to open because I thought it would be sweet, I took a lot of time to put them together. I fixed up an old laptop for him and sent it because the man didn't have a laptop and mine was pretty old but I spent 4 hours after shift to get it set up. I can't even remember how much I have done for him, not because I wanted to "buy" his affection but I really loved him and I thought he loved me. Christmas I can't even stomach what I spent. Now mind you, I am one person, with student loans working my ASS off to provide for myself with medical bills and such. Yet I went above and beyond. His birthday I mean I got him an apple watch among everything else. I literally feel so taken advantage of. And for him to be at his baby mama's house and text me that he has issues he needs to deal with and we can be friends? yeah I def. call bullshit on that one real quick.

First off, how can you text someone and not be a man and call. Why even come down to see me? Like why even waste my damn time. If you actually love a person no matter what they are going through you deal with it as a couple, you don't give up and you sure as hell don't walk away. He doesn't realize how damaging it is to me. How I'm questioning everything in my life. But he doesn't care, that's the answer, he doesn't care. To think, I was going to move my entire life to be up there with him and thank God I didn't, because I can't imaging dealing with this and being up there and being alone and having nothing in the end. So maybe I dodged a bullet? I mean IDK, and I waited 6 months to be intimate with my boyfriend, our intimacy was literally hand holding. If that doesn't fuck with you head IDK what does. I just maybe was blind to all of this I really think I was. I tried so hard and I can't begin to tell you how broken I am. It took me a long time to trust someone and that trust is forever broken. If he actually wanted to be my friend and cared he would've checked in on me.

Haven't head from him AT ALL. It's disgusting and I feel taken advantage of. The truth will eventually come out and yes I am bitter and salty, but I have every reason to.

New year same me

Well here I am, one month down into the new year and I've managed to start it off in my usual fashion of getting sick. This time community acquired pneumonia,  say that three times fast right? I've had pneumonia since I was a kid, that's when we found my allergy to Sulfa, so this is nothing new but this time feels worse that the time I was in the hospital for it. This also was the first time a nurse has ever blown a vein so that was quite interesting. I now have two very hardcore bruises on each forearms. I feel like me and my health is an ongoing battle so hey what's something else right? I swear I just want like one or two weeks of a medical break for my wallets sake.

Everything else seems to just be like groundhogs day; wake up, go to work, sleep, wash, rinse and repeat. Also trying to keep a long distance relationship afloat is never an easy task. Patience is something I have never been good at, and I will say it's been tested many times but I have been really patient and trusting the process of it all. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I just love this man so much that I put everything into it and I just am scared that it will combust before my eyes because nothing good in my life ever stays, it usually explodes before my eyes. And trust me I never settle, so this is huge for me. I also am afraid of it just being the way that it is and not pushing forward. I mean I can't be like how I was in my past waiting years and years with someone and it going no where. But time will tell and I just have to trust that God has a plan. It's scary to put someones life in someone else's hands but Jesus take the wheel.