Inside my head

 I feel so drained lately. Life has been a struggle. I have decided to get weight loss surgery so that has taken up a lot of my mind. Work has been a struggle lately. People have taken my kindness as a weakness. They underestimate me for sure, but little do they know that I have been underestimated my entire life. I was always known in school as "Ari's sister". Even when I interviewed at the PD I was known as "her sister". Well as I stare at my degree in front of me at work it has my name on it and no one else. I struggle so much when it comes to putting my heart and soul into work. What people do not realize is I am checking my e-mail after hours, trying to make sure everything runs smoothly, I stay late and I do whatever I can. When I first started in this position I did a SWAT analysis to see what was working and what wasn't. I also knew that becoming a manager was going to be a change for me but I have learned from many of my past supervisors to know what works and what doesn't work. It is SO DIFFICULT to not fall apart. Like today, stuff on my desk was rearranged and my drink mix was missing. It may seem like no big deal but I know someone is testing me and trying to out smart me. The old Allie would probably breakdown and react. But I have gone through enough shit in my life that you can't break me. 

I am smart and I am resilient. I may not have all my ducks in a row but I have worked my ass off to get to where I am. Nothing was EVER handed to me. My parents have supported me when it comes to being there for me mentally and such but they didn't pay for my school, I did and still am. So game on. I am not the same person I was. But one thing for sure is, you touch my shit we are going to have a lot of problems. 

July 16th

A year ago my life changed. My Fiancé, Jeremy, passed away in his sleep from an accidental overdose. It was the combination of cocaine/fentanyl/alcohol that killed him. I do not know the full story and there are days that I wish I knew what happened in the moment and also there was a part of me that wished he was at my house and I could've saved him. I also wish that he would've communicated to me that he was struggling and needed help because I never saw it coming. 

When I found out that he passed away the first thing I did besides breakdown was go through my medicine cabinet to count my pills and everything was there. I just didn't understand why and I know it was an accident. The person he was when he was with me was the person I will forever be grateful for. I really thought that a year later I would be mentally drained on his anniversary but I kept myself busy. 

When it comes to grief there are a million ways of dealing with it. No ones grief is ever the same. With me, I just take what we had and think of that. I honestly wish he was still here because I will forever love that man. He will always have that place in my heart and the memories that we had will never go away. I am not mad at him or disappointed. I will forever forgive him because we all make mistakes.

I will forever love you Jeremy Patrick Cooper. 

Day in the life

As someone with a chronic illness, I figured I would give you all a little day in the life preview. On a workday I am up at 5, but to be honest I don't really get out of bed until 5:15 am. By that time the cats are hungry even though they have a full bowl of food and they are just dramatic half of the time. So they get their morning treats and I try and throw myself together. What I will say actually helps is laying out my clothes the night before so I am not trying to figure out what to wear last minute. I have a pretty good routine down but of course that can change when my endo decides to flare up like today for example. 

I hide the fact that I have these amazing dark circles under my eyes with a little tarte shape tape which is a God send!!! and my war paint aka foundation is just bare minerals. I am a very basic person. I used to not be like that at all. I would spend a good 1/2 an hour on my makeup, now, I am like cool I don't look sleepy or look like death. But I will say my hair is what I spend the most time on. The BEST hair appliance I ever splurged on was a dyson airwrap. As a former hairdresser, well still licensed, it is a game changer. I have a lot and I mean A LOT of hair so it takes me 10 minutes to give myself the perfect blowout. 

After putting my face on I sometimes make coffee. What is funny is that one day espresso is fine but the next day it can set your flare on fire. Today I went with a blueberry refresher from Dunkies with some avocado toast. Well I can tell you once I got into work my stomach started to flare. So this is a perfect picture of the raw and real version of what it is like. Luckily, I have good reliable people that I manage on my team so I will be leaving a bit early today to go home and rest. I will say rest is so important. I used to try and do it all and I would have to cancel plans with friends because I was so tired. I lost many friends along the way but it's their loss for not sticking by me. One piece of advice is listen to your body. That is so important. Your body is telling you something for a reason. I mean do I feel guilty and worthless when I listen to my body? of course. Again, I think that is why so many people have walked away from me. But I don't let those thoughts rent space in my head anymore.

On a day like today where my body is winning the fight, I will pick up some comfort food that is gentle on my poor body and put on my comfy pjs and snuggle with the cats. My wardrobe lately consists of comfy pjs lately and I am totally okay with that. There are the days where I feel like a worthless piece of garbage trust me on that. But what helps is surrounding yourself with people that understand. I don't know what i'd do without my parents, more so my mom. She has seen me at my worst so many times from literally picking me up off the floor when I was in pain, to helping me shower after surgeries because I was out of it. Family is everything. 

I am totally going off topic but this morning a coworker was talking about how thankful she was that she didn't have children because the way this world is. It really made me think that would I want this for my child? I know they would be okay to have a mom like me advocating for them but there are days that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I mean yes I really prayed to have children but I guess that wasn't in my life plan. For now I will be a cat mom and a pretty stellar Auntie.

Anyways back on track. As you can tell, every day is different when you have endometriosis. And I will leave it at that. 

Where to go from here

 It has been a minute since I have been on here. I’ve been navigating these highs and lows of grief. It will be a year in July which is hard to believe to be honest. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and I will forever be grateful that he came into my life at a time I was ready to just quit dating and get more cats. Jeremy showed me that love is possible and that not every guy is a inconsiderate douche canoe. I should really write a book about my life one day. Maybe the next best seller?

Anyways.... After two crazy years, I have FINALLY finished my Masters Degree. I may be paying this off the rest of my life but it just goes to show that I am pretty unstoppable. I had many obstacles from working full time and working a million hours at State Police to the ongoing Endo flares and Jeremy’s passing that trust me when I say this, I wanted to just say F* it and move on but where would that get me? Hopefully this will get me a very stellar job but for me, I needed this. Now I have all of this free time at which I have no idea what to really do. 

I am looking forward to taking a much needed vacation to Aruba to free my mind and recharge my batteries. I get to throw on my Fatkini and actually have time to read a book. Maybe a few books. 

And what is going on with my forever Endo? Well, I have been sucking it up. Some days I really get tired of faking and slapping on a happy face but I save my tears for when I get home and take a warmer than hell shower. I know I am putting off getting my ovaries removed and I know it has to happen sooner than later but it just really really SUCKS. I have given so much to this disease like me having children which was something I’ve always wanted and now giving the last part of who I am away. I feel like less of a woman. I am not really scared. To be honest I walked into all 7 of my surgeries without being scared and I’ve done a pretty good job taking care of myself after because I HATE to burden people and well I don’t really have any close friends.... anyways, I just feel like I don’t want to let that part of myself go. But for now I will enjoy these stabbing pains for a little while longer.

Onward..

2021

So here we are. New year, but for me it still feels like 2020. I know I briefly mentioned Jeff and I trying to work things out, but, yet again he walked away. The weird part is, I felt nothing when he told me he had to “work on himself”. I knew that I would always be at the bottom of his list and that isn’t fair at all. I am not expecting someone to make me number one, but effort goes a long way and there were too many nights I felt more alone and he didn’t seem to care. I guess I thought that maybe people could change and that he could be there for me since Jeremy passed but being with Jeremy taught me to never settle for less that what I deserve. So I am not sad or hurt about Jeff walking away, if someone wants to walk away then go. My best friend just did the same exact thing after Jeff left. So I am getting used to people walking away. This isn’t unfamiliar territory for me, trust me. 

When I was first diagnosed with Endo and went through my first couple of surgeries, plenty of people couldn’t handle it. So I relied on myself and took care of myself. I remember my first endo surgery, the guy I was dating at the time was supposed to stay with me that night, per doctors orders to make sure I was okay from the anesthesia, well he decided he couldn’t take it and went home. So yeah my track record wasn’t so great. Jeremy may have not fully understood the disease but he was patient. The worst part about this disease is I am not who I was years ago. I can’t do the things I used to do. I am a lot more tired and fatigued so that puts a damper on things. I do push my limits though. The time Jeremy wanted to go to the beach so bad and I had such a flare I was chewing on anti nausea all morning, but I knew he really wanted to go so I put on my brave face and off we went. Those are the days I will forever remember because even though the seagull ate my sandwich, those were the moments that I know that I will have again. 

I know God put him into my life for a reason and even if it takes me forever to find that person that will be patient, funny, loving and honest, I know in my heart that I will be happy with someone else. Yes it is lonely right now and the cats and my family make it a little easy. I also started my new job so there’s that. To wake up and not be anxious about working and actually feeling relaxed is a change for sure. I am very blessed and lucky. So for now it may be a little lonely for awhile but I met Jeremy at one of the darkest moments of my life, so there is hope.