2021

So here we are. New year, but for me it still feels like 2020. I know I briefly mentioned Jeff and I trying to work things out, but, yet again he walked away. The weird part is, I felt nothing when he told me he had to “work on himself”. I knew that I would always be at the bottom of his list and that isn’t fair at all. I am not expecting someone to make me number one, but effort goes a long way and there were too many nights I felt more alone and he didn’t seem to care. I guess I thought that maybe people could change and that he could be there for me since Jeremy passed but being with Jeremy taught me to never settle for less that what I deserve. So I am not sad or hurt about Jeff walking away, if someone wants to walk away then go. My best friend just did the same exact thing after Jeff left. So I am getting used to people walking away. This isn’t unfamiliar territory for me, trust me. 

When I was first diagnosed with Endo and went through my first couple of surgeries, plenty of people couldn’t handle it. So I relied on myself and took care of myself. I remember my first endo surgery, the guy I was dating at the time was supposed to stay with me that night, per doctors orders to make sure I was okay from the anesthesia, well he decided he couldn’t take it and went home. So yeah my track record wasn’t so great. Jeremy may have not fully understood the disease but he was patient. The worst part about this disease is I am not who I was years ago. I can’t do the things I used to do. I am a lot more tired and fatigued so that puts a damper on things. I do push my limits though. The time Jeremy wanted to go to the beach so bad and I had such a flare I was chewing on anti nausea all morning, but I knew he really wanted to go so I put on my brave face and off we went. Those are the days I will forever remember because even though the seagull ate my sandwich, those were the moments that I know that I will have again. 

I know God put him into my life for a reason and even if it takes me forever to find that person that will be patient, funny, loving and honest, I know in my heart that I will be happy with someone else. Yes it is lonely right now and the cats and my family make it a little easy. I also started my new job so there’s that. To wake up and not be anxious about working and actually feeling relaxed is a change for sure. I am very blessed and lucky. So for now it may be a little lonely for awhile but I met Jeremy at one of the darkest moments of my life, so there is hope.