Day in the life

As someone with a chronic illness, I figured I would give you all a little day in the life preview. On a workday I am up at 5, but to be honest I don't really get out of bed until 5:15 am. By that time the cats are hungry even though they have a full bowl of food and they are just dramatic half of the time. So they get their morning treats and I try and throw myself together. What I will say actually helps is laying out my clothes the night before so I am not trying to figure out what to wear last minute. I have a pretty good routine down but of course that can change when my endo decides to flare up like today for example. 

I hide the fact that I have these amazing dark circles under my eyes with a little tarte shape tape which is a God send!!! and my war paint aka foundation is just bare minerals. I am a very basic person. I used to not be like that at all. I would spend a good 1/2 an hour on my makeup, now, I am like cool I don't look sleepy or look like death. But I will say my hair is what I spend the most time on. The BEST hair appliance I ever splurged on was a dyson airwrap. As a former hairdresser, well still licensed, it is a game changer. I have a lot and I mean A LOT of hair so it takes me 10 minutes to give myself the perfect blowout. 

After putting my face on I sometimes make coffee. What is funny is that one day espresso is fine but the next day it can set your flare on fire. Today I went with a blueberry refresher from Dunkies with some avocado toast. Well I can tell you once I got into work my stomach started to flare. So this is a perfect picture of the raw and real version of what it is like. Luckily, I have good reliable people that I manage on my team so I will be leaving a bit early today to go home and rest. I will say rest is so important. I used to try and do it all and I would have to cancel plans with friends because I was so tired. I lost many friends along the way but it's their loss for not sticking by me. One piece of advice is listen to your body. That is so important. Your body is telling you something for a reason. I mean do I feel guilty and worthless when I listen to my body? of course. Again, I think that is why so many people have walked away from me. But I don't let those thoughts rent space in my head anymore.

On a day like today where my body is winning the fight, I will pick up some comfort food that is gentle on my poor body and put on my comfy pjs and snuggle with the cats. My wardrobe lately consists of comfy pjs lately and I am totally okay with that. There are the days where I feel like a worthless piece of garbage trust me on that. But what helps is surrounding yourself with people that understand. I don't know what i'd do without my parents, more so my mom. She has seen me at my worst so many times from literally picking me up off the floor when I was in pain, to helping me shower after surgeries because I was out of it. Family is everything. 

I am totally going off topic but this morning a coworker was talking about how thankful she was that she didn't have children because the way this world is. It really made me think that would I want this for my child? I know they would be okay to have a mom like me advocating for them but there are days that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I mean yes I really prayed to have children but I guess that wasn't in my life plan. For now I will be a cat mom and a pretty stellar Auntie.

Anyways back on track. As you can tell, every day is different when you have endometriosis. And I will leave it at that. 

Where to go from here

 It has been a minute since I have been on here. I’ve been navigating these highs and lows of grief. It will be a year in July which is hard to believe to be honest. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and I will forever be grateful that he came into my life at a time I was ready to just quit dating and get more cats. Jeremy showed me that love is possible and that not every guy is a inconsiderate douche canoe. I should really write a book about my life one day. Maybe the next best seller?

Anyways.... After two crazy years, I have FINALLY finished my Masters Degree. I may be paying this off the rest of my life but it just goes to show that I am pretty unstoppable. I had many obstacles from working full time and working a million hours at State Police to the ongoing Endo flares and Jeremy’s passing that trust me when I say this, I wanted to just say F* it and move on but where would that get me? Hopefully this will get me a very stellar job but for me, I needed this. Now I have all of this free time at which I have no idea what to really do. 

I am looking forward to taking a much needed vacation to Aruba to free my mind and recharge my batteries. I get to throw on my Fatkini and actually have time to read a book. Maybe a few books. 

And what is going on with my forever Endo? Well, I have been sucking it up. Some days I really get tired of faking and slapping on a happy face but I save my tears for when I get home and take a warmer than hell shower. I know I am putting off getting my ovaries removed and I know it has to happen sooner than later but it just really really SUCKS. I have given so much to this disease like me having children which was something I’ve always wanted and now giving the last part of who I am away. I feel like less of a woman. I am not really scared. To be honest I walked into all 7 of my surgeries without being scared and I’ve done a pretty good job taking care of myself after because I HATE to burden people and well I don’t really have any close friends.... anyways, I just feel like I don’t want to let that part of myself go. But for now I will enjoy these stabbing pains for a little while longer.

Onward..