Sunday, May 23, 2021

Where to go from here

 It has been a minute since I have been on here. I’ve been navigating these highs and lows of grief. It will be a year in July which is hard to believe to be honest. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and I will forever be grateful that he came into my life at a time I was ready to just quit dating and get more cats. Jeremy showed me that love is possible and that not every guy is a inconsiderate douche canoe. I should really write a book about my life one day. Maybe the next best seller?

Anyways.... After two crazy years, I have FINALLY finished my Masters Degree. I may be paying this off the rest of my life but it just goes to show that I am pretty unstoppable. I had many obstacles from working full time and working a million hours at State Police to the ongoing Endo flares and Jeremy’s passing that trust me when I say this, I wanted to just say F* it and move on but where would that get me? Hopefully this will get me a very stellar job but for me, I needed this. Now I have all of this free time at which I have no idea what to really do. 

I am looking forward to taking a much needed vacation to Aruba to free my mind and recharge my batteries. I get to throw on my Fatkini and actually have time to read a book. Maybe a few books. 

And what is going on with my forever Endo? Well, I have been sucking it up. Some days I really get tired of faking and slapping on a happy face but I save my tears for when I get home and take a warmer than hell shower. I know I am putting off getting my ovaries removed and I know it has to happen sooner than later but it just really really SUCKS. I have given so much to this disease like me having children which was something I’ve always wanted and now giving the last part of who I am away. I feel like less of a woman. I am not really scared. To be honest I walked into all 7 of my surgeries without being scared and I’ve done a pretty good job taking care of myself after because I HATE to burden people and well I don’t really have any close friends.... anyways, I just feel like I don’t want to let that part of myself go. But for now I will enjoy these stabbing pains for a little while longer.


Onward..

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