The end

 It has been awhile. I guess I will get right to it. My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. It came out of nowhere. I was actually in a meeting with a subcommittee and the Director when he texted me. Yup, he did it over text. I was trying my hardest to not cry. I was pretending something was in my eye and I kept looking up at the ceiling as the Director was speaking. Then I shot a coworker and my boss a text that as soon as this thing is over I was leaving and that's what I did. I drove right to his house to grab my keys. I knew that there was nothing more to do or say. As I sat on his couch he just stared at me blankly with no feelings at all. I sat there and just cried. His reason was to be honest just an excuse. He told me he didn't think I could ever trust him. If I didn't trust someone I wouldn't be in the relationship with them. I wouldn't waste my time to be honest. But again that didn't matter. He brought up the time I went through his phone when we first started dating. Which I only did because I wanted to know what his ex wife was saying about me, seeing as she already called me a sugar mama or some ignorant comment. Then there was another time that I went through his stuff, now this was literally when we started dating 2 years ago. Since then I let it go. 

The one thing that keeps me wondering is that he started recently hanging around an old coworker whom he couldn't stand, and spent some 1:1 time with his wife and their kid who is the same age as his daughter. I always thought it was weird that the husband never seemed to be there. He didn't like me questioning that. Which I am not stupid. I know how this all plays out. Defending someone else. But now I see everything that I looked over in our relationship because that is how I operate. I always see the good in people. That was something I learned being with my late fiance. But back to my ex. He always made it like it was me that had to change. When I had my surgery, he was supposed to wake up and give me my medicine. That was all I asked of him. He didn't. He didn't try to understand Endo. Every other monday I had therapy right at 5pm. He would 'forget' and call me. Which I would just pass it off. Talking with my therapist recently, she said that shows that he didn't respect you and your time. Which is true. But he will never see that. Another thing that I tolerated was liking and hearting girls posts. Besides him following insta (hoes) or tiktok (hoes), which is disrespectful to me and our relationship. Something I should've walked away from. It was no wonder why I felt so insecure with myself. I literally felt worthless because I had to compete with these people. I ask myself now should I have left? I am not honestly sure. The reason I stayed was because I believed in the relationship and the person I was with. I knew that I wanted to build that life and that no one is perfect. 

Now that it is over and I am healing nothing has changed on my part as far as feelings go. I am still doing what I did while being in a relationship and still building my empire and working on myself. I met with my surgeon and we are putting stuff in the books at the end of the year. Something I would've done with or without him to be honest. I am proud of myself for having no contact because that is not healthy. If they wanted to they would. If he wanted to be with me he would've done whatever. He has to realize that the issues he was putting on me were issues he himself has to figure out. He won't ever find someone like me. As much as I felt like a piece of trash being thrown away, I now know how valued I am as a person. If I was that bad of a person then why did he trust me when helping him find a better job? Or loving his daughter as much as my niece and nephew? exactly.

So now I move forward alone. It can get lonely for sure but I have done this alone so many times before.

Alive

Seventeen years ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I was 21 years old at the time. It took me 7 years to get the actual answer to many of my "ailments". That is 7 years too long to be honest. My symptoms first started when I was about 11/12. I know I started my period young. It wasn't so much the heavy periods that did me in, it was never being able to have a tampon fit comfortably, it was the GI symptoms that literally became an everyday occurrence. 

Doctor wise at that age, it was pediatrician based where I was placed on birth control pills and some dissolving pill to take when I experienced the GI symptoms and severe cramping. I think it was the whole being dismissed that has followed me into my adulthood to be honest. To think about how many doctors I had to see and how many I trusted that overwhelms me to be honest. I think I was on every brand of birth control pill throughout my life until my partial hysterectomy. 

The first surgery is sort of a blur, the second as well. I just know the pain came back worse each time post op. That was due to ablation. Something to which back in my early twenties was the proper standard of care. 

My first excision surgery was around the age of 25 where it took almost seven hours to excise and unstick my parts due to everything adhering to my body thanks to the mess of ablation. Following suit to that surgery, I had my partial hysterectomy at 30. A choice that wasn't easy however I knew it had to be made due to adenomyosis. The pain returned and 2/3 years later, another surgery. This time my ureter was bent and embedded in the disease. I had a stent placed for a few weeks. Something I won't ever forget. That pain was horrible. Then 2/3 years again, my left ovary was stuck to my bowel. Every time the surgeon would try and stitch it out of the way my body would go into bradycardia. (good times). Now here I am at 37, heading back to my excision specialist yet again for answers. As much as I don't want to have another surgery, my quality of life, my mental health, my entire life is just unbearable. The GI symptoms have never gone away. I have had endoscopies and colonoscopies, MRIs, Ultrasounds, Pelvic Therapy, Regular Physical Therapy. I did everything as I was supposed to but yet here we are. Trust me I am grateful to be alive and to be able to push through the pain daily but there comes a point where I want my life back. 

I may never be where I want to be and I am okay with that. I have lived with this disease long enough so I know how to block it out but when is enough enough??

Enough

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, something as my fellow readers know that it is something I have struggled with my entire life. Someone commented on my social media post the other day saying you've been through a lot. It really made me think about it and yeah I sure have been through a lot. Rewinding to my teenage years, well actually, when I was 11/12 when I started my period and it just all went downhill from there medically. I can say that pain changes you. People also don't know what to say or do around you and to be honest, some avoid you. It feels like you are battling alone most of the time and you hate to even complain about being in pain because you don't want people feeling 'sorry' or think that you are looking for attention. One day I will put it all out there but to be honest I have blocked so many early memories of this disease because it has been isolating and traumatizing all at the same time. 

Now I just do my best to protect myself from everything and just continue to try and live as best as I can. I often feel guilty when I get home and the only thing I can do is laundry. I also lately feel useless and alone in all of this. I mean the only one that fully understands being in pain daily is my mom. She has been my shelter from all of this. You know the saying about being strong for too long? Well I feel as though I have been strong for 37, almost 38 years and I am tired. I think this is why I try and put timelines on many things because I missed out on so so many things being in and out of hospitals. Like when will it be my time to be married and settle in to just having someone there with me to keep me company and just love all of me. I am lucky in love do trust me on that. I never thought I would find love again after Jeremy but I just know how short life is and how one minute you can say goodnight to someone and the next day they are gone. 

Brain on fire

 I have to blog about this movie on Netflix, brain on fire. I pretty much silently cried myself to sleep after watching it. It reminds me so much of battling Endometriosis. Having doctors think it’s IBS, or you are a drug seeker when you only function on Ibprofen. Or my pediatrician when I was a teenager telling my mom I was crazy. When the doctor told her that I know you are in there and I’m going to help you it really really made me just ache. I wish I knew what a normal functioning body feels like. There isn’t one day without pain. I feel like endometriosis is similar to the movie because my body is like slowly killing myself from the inside. Basically as they call it an invisible illness because people just don’t see it. If only they could and would understand. Even after a hysterectomy from my uterus that had endo, the doctor still found more endo years later. It won’t ever go away, there is no cure, no treatment to take it all away. So we- young girls and women are just trying to function daily and suffer in silence. So yeah I have a lot on my mind about that movie as it was incredible, however it just drained my soul. I’m so tired. There are days that I’d love to just give up but I’m hoping there is still some hope left. I feel like I am not in control of my body anymore and it sucks. So basically I’m just treading water right now hoping to not drown in a body that is failing and declining daily.