Enough

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, something as my fellow readers know that it is something I have struggled with my entire life. Someone commented on my social media post the other day saying you've been through a lot. It really made me think about it and yeah I sure have been through a lot. Rewinding to my teenage years, well actually, when I was 11/12 when I started my period and it just all went downhill from there medically. I can say that pain changes you. People also don't know what to say or do around you and to be honest, some avoid you. It feels like you are battling alone most of the time and you hate to even complain about being in pain because you don't want people feeling 'sorry' or think that you are looking for attention. One day I will put it all out there but to be honest I have blocked so many early memories of this disease because it has been isolating and traumatizing all at the same time. 

Now I just do my best to protect myself from everything and just continue to try and live as best as I can. I often feel guilty when I get home and the only thing I can do is laundry. I also lately feel useless and alone in all of this. I mean the only one that fully understands being in pain daily is my mom. She has been my shelter from all of this. You know the saying about being strong for too long? Well I feel as though I have been strong for 37, almost 38 years and I am tired. I think this is why I try and put timelines on many things because I missed out on so so many things being in and out of hospitals. Like when will it be my time to be married and settle in to just having someone there with me to keep me company and just love all of me. I am lucky in love do trust me on that. I never thought I would find love again after Jeremy but I just know how short life is and how one minute you can say goodnight to someone and the next day they are gone.