Thursday, November 2, 2023

The end

 It has been awhile. I guess I will get right to it. My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. It came out of nowhere. I was actually in a meeting with a subcommittee and the Director when he texted me. Yup, he did it over text. I was trying my hardest to not cry. I was pretending something was in my eye and I kept looking up at the ceiling as the Director was speaking. Then I shot a coworker and my boss a text that as soon as this thing is over I was leaving and that's what I did. I drove right to his house to grab my keys. I knew that there was nothing more to do or say. As I sat on his couch he just stared at me blankly with no feelings at all. I sat there and just cried. His reason was to be honest just an excuse. He told me he didn't think I could ever trust him. If I didn't trust someone I wouldn't be in the relationship with them. I wouldn't waste my time to be honest. But again that didn't matter. He brought up the time I went through his phone when we first started dating. Which I only did because I wanted to know what his ex wife was saying about me, seeing as she already called me a sugar mama or some ignorant comment. Then there was another time that I went through his stuff, now this was literally when we started dating 2 years ago. Since then I let it go. 

The one thing that keeps me wondering is that he started recently hanging around an old coworker whom he couldn't stand, and spent some 1:1 time with his wife and their kid who is the same age as his daughter. I always thought it was weird that the husband never seemed to be there. He didn't like me questioning that. Which I am not stupid. I know how this all plays out. Defending someone else. But now I see everything that I looked over in our relationship because that is how I operate. I always see the good in people. That was something I learned being with my late fiance. But back to my ex. He always made it like it was me that had to change. When I had my surgery, he was supposed to wake up and give me my medicine. That was all I asked of him. He didn't. He didn't try to understand Endo. Every other monday I had therapy right at 5pm. He would 'forget' and call me. Which I would just pass it off. Talking with my therapist recently, she said that shows that he didn't respect you and your time. Which is true. But he will never see that. Another thing that I tolerated was liking and hearting girls posts. Besides him following insta (hoes) or tiktok (hoes), which is disrespectful to me and our relationship. Something I should've walked away from. It was no wonder why I felt so insecure with myself. I literally felt worthless because I had to compete with these people. I ask myself now should I have left? I am not honestly sure. The reason I stayed was because I believed in the relationship and the person I was with. I knew that I wanted to build that life and that no one is perfect. 

Now that it is over and I am healing nothing has changed on my part as far as feelings go. I am still doing what I did while being in a relationship and still building my empire and working on myself. I met with my surgeon and we are putting stuff in the books at the end of the year. Something I would've done with or without him to be honest. I am proud of myself for having no contact because that is not healthy. If they wanted to they would. If he wanted to be with me he would've done whatever. He has to realize that the issues he was putting on me were issues he himself has to figure out. He won't ever find someone like me. As much as I felt like a piece of trash being thrown away, I now know how valued I am as a person. If I was that bad of a person then why did he trust me when helping him find a better job? Or loving his daughter as much as my niece and nephew? exactly.

So now I move forward alone. It can get lonely for sure but I have done this alone so many times before.

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